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Homepage > Campus Life > Transition to College
A TIME OF TRANSITION
Sending your student off to college is a crucial transition for a family. While it is an exciting and sometimes scary period for your student, it can also be a time of challenges for the family members left behind. This guide addresses questions asked by the families of St. Scholastica students:
Guide for Families Transitioning to College
What are the Transitional Issues for My Student and Our Family?
The primary task for a student leaving for college and leaving family is one of separation. The task of separation is a process, not an event. Separation does not mean "goodbye, good luck, and call if you need me." The process for the student is one of moving toward independence, developing new skills, making mistakes, taking increased responsibility, and developing a more adult, mature relationship with family members. The family's role is to give the student the room to search academically, personally, and professionally.
This time of transition is about your student having the freedom to make decisions, take responsibility for those decisions and deal with the challenges that may result. Some specific transitional issues include:
- Being away from friends and family and developing new relationships without familiar support systems.
- Living in close quarters with other students and negotiating issues or conflicts that arise.
- Managing time when there is much less external structure imposed.
- Coping with an increased amount of academic demands and competition.
- Determining the amount of study necessary to be successful academically.
- Managing money.
- Handling the many decisions required on a daily basis.
- Attempting to integrate new ideas, people and cultures into old thoughts and values.
- Developing an increased awareness of life's possibilities with decreased influence from family.
- Negotiating a new relationship with family.
You hear the words "letting go" associated with the role of the parent. What does this mean, and how do you know if you are doing it in a helpful way?
- It means encouraging your student to stay on campus on the weekends rather than coming home.
- It means allowing your student to make decisions and live with the consequences.
- It means helping your student learn to negotiate the issues without stepping in to fix the problem.
- It means encouraging your student to get the help when needed.
- It means listening without fixing.
- It means encouraging exploration rather than always sticking with the familiar.
- It means treating your student like an emerging adult.
Every family's situation is unique, with individual circumstances. The ideas above are guidelines and not rules. They are meant for discussion among your family members. Certainly, there are situations where parents need to become more involved rather than less. We will be addressing those types of situations later in this document in the section, "When should I intervene and when should I stand back?"
The Summer Before Leaving For College: What Should We Be Discussing?
The summer before a student enters college is a period of learning for the family. This can be a time of stress and tension in the family. It is a time of change.
You can help prepare your student for increased independence:
- Expect increased chaos as your child exerts the need for independence. While parents may push for increased intimacy and connection before their student leaves for college, the student may want increased autonomy and distance from the family.
- Help your student organize the paperwork sent from the College, as well as information that will be needed while in college. Help develop a record management system, including files for student housing, finances, health insurance, academic information, and automobile records. It's critical that you support and even prod your student in this process. But do not do it yourself.
- Get a daily planner and/or calendar before the beginning of summer. Help your student identify critical dates and deadlines, and getting used to looking at the calendar on a daily basis.
- Have your student learn to wake up for work or school without your help.
- Show your student how to do laundry if you have been doing it.
- Teach your student how to change a tire on a car.
- Help your student learn to balance a checkbook.
Discussions to have with your student
(even if you have already had them before):
- Alcohol, tobacco and other drugs-Review St. Scholastica's policies regarding alcohol and other drug use. Know your student's history with these substances. If you know your student will use, talk about responsible use. Talk about rape drugs and the fact that alcohol is the number one rape drug. If you think your student has little or no experience with alcohol, talk about blood alcohol content and other issues of consumption. Look at the alcohol Web site under the Student Center for Health & Well-Being, www.css.edu/schawb.xml
- Safer Sex-Talk to your student about values in relationship to sexual activity. Talk about the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. If you expect your student to be sexually active (most college students are), talk about protection.
- Sexual Harassment & Sexual Assault-Go to the St. Scholastica Web site under the Student Center for Health & Well-Being, www.css.edu/schawb.xml, and review the information found in the link to violence prevention. While St. Scholastica is considered a safe campus, it is critical to be informed, aware and smart about these issues. College students are particularly vulnerable .
- Finances- A realistic understanding of financial circumstances is very important for your student. It's important the student have a basic understanding of finances relative to helping to pay for college. Discuss credit cards and the dangers of debt. Discuss having a budget and how your student will manage money. This tends to be a challenging subject because any discussion of money tends to make clear the reality of how much college students are still dependent on parents. It is important that parents are sensitive to this reality and anticipate that the student may get angry or distant when discussing financial matters.
- The usuals - These are things you probably feel the need to say even though your student will say "I know, I know, you've told me a million times." Eat right, get enough sleep, ask for help when you need it, you're there to study, go to class, make good friends, get involved, don't forget about your family, write home, call home, be careful - I love you!
How does My Role as a Parent Change?
Now that your child is a college student, how will your relationship change? Most college students are in a period of limbo. Your student have some of the rights and responsibilities of adulthood, some of the knowledge to make important decisions abou life, and the freedom to make those decisions. Most students remain financially dependent on family, are still in the process of maturing, and have the watchful eyes of their family, friends and the College on them.
While you will always be the parent to your child, the nature of the relationship matures, and takes on different roles and responsibilities. The best way to describe the role of a parent to college child is one of mentor.
One definition of a mentor is "a special and trusting role in which one person, the more knowing person, is in a position to help another person." Some characteristics of a mentor include:
- Listening and accepting different points of view.
- Gently challenging when it is necessary for changes in your student's behavior.
- Respecting your student's struggles and feel with your student (empathy) without feeling pity.
- Looking for solutions and opportunities as well as barriers.
- Staying flexible and open.
- Changing as your student changes, growing and learning as the relationship with your student evolves.
- Taking joy in your student's willingness to experiment with new thoughts and ideas, especially ones that challenge your own perspective.
While there are times and circumstances where you may need to take on a more protective role with your student, generally the mentorship role is the most developmentally appropriate, at this stage in life.
When Should You Stand Back and When Should You Intervene?
Parents can be challenged by some of the struggles their student encounters at college. Parents ask themselves if they are doing too much and taking away their student's opportunity to develop and mature, or doing too little and allowing their child to sink into the abyss. Each situation is unique, and there are no hard-and-fast rules. But the following are some good rules of thumb.
When You Should Stand Back
- Have your student do the talking or calling, not vice-versa. Help your student identify the appropriate person(s) to speak with about a situation. You may help your student practice what to say, but don't do it yourself. It's critical that your student develop negotiation skills. It may not be handled perfectly orthe way you would handle it, but your student will learn and grow from the experience. Communicate that this is part of being a college student.
- There are at least two sides to every issue. Your student will share one perspective with you. Listen to the story and askwhat part the student played in the conflict or problem. Ask what could have been done differently and help your student problem solve. Generally, do not accept the story hook, line and sinker. The exception to this is in the area of sexual harassment or sexual assault. These issues will be addressed later.
- Encourage your student to stay at school on the weekends during the first half of the semester. You may miss your student and the feeling will be mutual. There are things to do at St. Scholastica on the weekends and many activities in the Duluth community and surrounding areas. We will provide a calendar of events for you and a list of opportunities in the Duluth and surrounding area.
- There may be a tendency to ask St. Scholastica personnel to watch over your student, or to ask roommates to make sure the student wakes up or goes to class. Resist the urge. It is your student's responsibility to get to class, manage time, and to make life decisions. St. Scholastica is a small and caring community and we will support your student in a variety of ways. However, we will not usurp any student's freedom to make decisions.
When Should You Intervene
- Safety first. If you feel your student is in either constantemotional or physical danger, it's time to become more involved. If your student is feeling suicidal, getting over-involved and stressed in helping others, or is so depressed and/or anxious that academic performance is impacted, it is time to get help. If your student is unwilling to go for help you should contact St. Scholastica staff-the Dean of Students, Director of the Student Center for Health & Well-Being, or someone you have met and trust on campus - and share your concern. Action will be taken.
- If your student discusses an instance of sexual harassment or sexual assault, take this very seriously. Staff of the Student Center for Health & Well-Being are available (on campus call x6085, from off-campus call 218-723-6085). You can also look on the Center's Web site, www.css.edu/depts/schaw.xml, under 'violence prevention' and help sort through the available options. Ultimately, it is your student's decision about what actions should be taken.
- If you are concerned about your student's academic performance you may contact the office of Academic Advisement or Dean of Students. FERPA regulations stipulate that we cannot tell you any specifics about your student's grades. However, we can tell you if you have cause for concern.
- It is not unusual for a first-time college student who is taking medication or has a disability ot wan to "start over." Your student may want to try living without the medication or with no accommodations. Typically, while this is understandable, it does not work to the student's advantage. You may want to check in with your student about these issues on a regular basis.
What Are Signs of Over-Involvement In My Student's College Experience?
- Calling every morning to wake your student for class.
- Reading and editing your student's college papers.
- Talking to St. Scholastica staff and faculty more than your student.
- Knowing Residential Life's phone number by heart, or having it on speed dial.
- Your student coming home every weekend.
- Talking to your student's roommates on a regular basis.
- Knowing more about the college campus than your student.
- Feeling in crisis when your student changes majors or her career path.
- Visiting your student on campus more than twice a semester.
- Keeping a constant vigil because of your student's "imaturity.".
You may want to add your own signs to this list.
Homesickness & "The "Empty Nest" Syndrome"
It is not unusual for your student to experience homesickness after the initial excitement of entering college has receded. As your student realizes that college is not a temporary vacation destination but a new home, feelings of sadness and a longing for home may not be far behind.
Conversely, parents may experience a sense of loss and emptiness. This is called the "empty nest" syndrome. You may have been very involved in your student's activities and now there is an empty space that is not beng filled.
Ways You Can Help Your Child Combat Homesickness
Keep things positive. Focus on what is going well.
- Plan to attend family weekend, which is typically the second or third weekend in October.
- Send care packages to your student.
- Encourage your student to join a club or get involved in intramural sports.
- Without minimizing your student's feelings, be reassuring that things will get better over the course of time.
- Discourage your student from returning home every weekend.
Avoiding the "Empty Nest" Syndrome
- Get involved in activities you had little time for in the past: join a club, take a class, start a new hobby, start an exercise routine.
- Plan more time with your partner or friends.
- Celebrate the fact that your student's growing independence is a sign that you have done a good job of parenting.
You may experience a type of midlife crisis. You may feel a touch of jealousy about your student's new freedom and a life being full of possibilities. Use this as a time to reevaluate your own life, make changes and set goals you can still achieve.
Remember that this separation is a process and takes time and effort as you move toward healthy independence. Certainly, it can feel a bit like a balancing act between being too close and too distant. Keep the lines of communication open and ask for support and advice when you are unclear about what to do. The College of St. Scholastica can help both students and families with this process.
Coming Back Home - Should the Rules Change?
When your student returns home for weekends, holidays, or the summer, it will be important to set up new household rules. Your student may expect to have the same independence and freedom he experienced at college. Parents may feel the same rules need to apply as before their student left for college.
Negotiate rules that take into account your student's new sense of independence, while at the same time respecting household expectations. These rules should be negotiated before leaving for school. Do not assume that this structure will fall into place without discussion and negotiation.
What If My Student Is Unhappy And Wants To Quit School?
Your student may feel overwhelmed with the transition to college. The challenges of academics, being away from home, making new friends, and dealing with increased responsibilities may lead to feelings of depression and anxiety. Your student may feel immobilized and unable to concentrate on studies, or self maintain. This is a particularly challenging time for the whole family.
Some Things To Do To Support Your Student:
- Encourage your student to reach out and talk to a counselor, admissions or academic advisor, or the Dean of Students. They can help your student sort through a variety of options.
- Discuss the reasons your child chose to attend The College of St. Scholastica. Assess whether these reasons still apply.
- Identify the pros and cons of taking time off or transferring.
- Try to avoid going into a crisis mode, unless there is a safety issue (risk of danger to self or others). Try to avoid making any decisions until there has been time to look at all the options.
Thank you for taking the time to read this information and welcome to the St. Scholastica community.
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Resources Available At The College of St. Scholastica
Vice President for Student Affaris and Dean of Students, Steve Lyons-218-723-6167
Assistant Dean of Students for Advising and Retention, Dave Bauman-218-723-6179
Director of Student Leadership and Residential Life, Betsy Kneepkens-218-723-6391
Financial Aid, Jon Erickson-218-723-6047
Disability Resource Center, Heather Angelle-218-723-6645
Office of Admissions, Brian Dalton-218-723-6046
Campus Ministry, Nathan Langer-218-723-6604
Student Health Services, Mary Beth Waage-218-723-6282
Counseling Services, Tad Sears-218-723-6085
Student Support Services, Dory Pohl-218-723-5997
First Year Developmental Program Advisor, Melissa Watschke-218-723-6747
Student Diversity Services, Joe Bouie-218-723-7032
Career Services, Cathy Richards-218-723-6085
Food Services, Jean Anderson-218-723-6652
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The Student Handbook
Parent Resource Guide
The Student Center for Health and Well-Being
Student Support Services
Career Services
Student Achievement and Support Services
Residential Life and Housing
Food Service
Student Affairs Division at The College of St. Scholastica
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